Today I turn 26. Technically I was born at 7:30PM so I never really feel like it's official until after then, maybe that is weird. I haven't posted in a while and a lot and a little seem to have happened.
Brian started work again, so we have started the scheduling game. He gets his schedule one week ahead, on a good week and then this week he got called in on a day he was scheduled off. I'm a schedule kind of girl and I don't like when I can't count on the schedule being accurate. But we are working on it.
My sister moved to her new apartment, which is very cute, has a better floor plan and really interesting linoleum in the kithchen/bathroom. I should take pictures, it's rather intense. Esp. since the rest of the apartment is a traditional creamy box. Mom and Dad had to be away that weekend and Brian, no surprise, had to work so Amanda and I pretty much did the move ourselves with some help from her boyfriend and a few other friends that stopped by. Overall it was 3 hours one night and 3 hours the next day. Pretty good move in my book. It felt good to be in charge and capable of doing it ourselves.
Not that I have checked but there must be some sort of relationship planet or star or something in retrograde because suddenly many of my friends are out of love and I don't know how to be the most helpful to any of them. The Best Man Dan has come to stay with us for a bit to put some distance between him and the painful parts of Philly. I am not sure what is happening with Jac and Jody, but it wasn't pretty. I stand by Jac as a true friend and I'll be here if he needs me and maybe someday we can all help him out so he doesn't get trapped again. Amanda and her boyfriend are ok, but he better not hit McDonald's again without asking the rest of us first!
My job has ramped up. Some new people are coming in, some old people are leaving and there is a bit of jostling around within. My boss is trying to change a lot of things that are my responsibility, to pass them off on someone else to free me up to do more. She is delegating me new things that play to my strengths, and still trying to fill in the gaps in my training. And this is all fine and good except that it's not all that terribly exciting to me. There are pieces of the job that I enjoy and that really thrill and excite me, but overall, things seem to fall flat and there are a lot of bad things that worry me - stereotyping in the uppper ranks, inconsistent planning and follow through, crazy people in charge. The money and the benefits are so tempting, but so is Philadelphia. Brian and I might have fewer scheduling issues if we didn't work in opposite directions. Or is it just the real world bearing down on me? I've never had a job for more than a year and here it is almost two years! And I feel I have made a definite impact. But there is something missing. I don't know if I want more power (say in charge of a costume shop) or less (jsut sewing for other people doing what I am told, at least for a bit).
Plus, there are a lot of other pressures - my life is changing, and so is Brian's and we are starting to wonder, at what point do we have to stop and start planning for the children we want? At what point does the money my current job is offering become more important than my job satisfaction? When do we stop talking about moving somewhere else because we happen to live in a great school district? And when do we take a good hard look at our current living situation and ask, is this really working and will it work with 2 more people in here? And maybe the real problem is that my boss is the same age as my parents which means she is of the same generation where money is more important than job satisfaction and I am getting all this pressure from that generation. What are other generations doing? See, I think job satisfaction is so very important - it takes up so much of your time and how can you be a good person/parent if the thing that takes up all your time is something you are doing just so someone else can have the things that they want. In couple's therapy, that sort of relationship would never fly, why is it different for a parent/child relationship. I should NEVER EVER resent my children, esp. for something that is not their fault. Please those of another generation, what are your thoughts on this quandry?
Happy Birthday Jamie.
As for Jack and I...keep in mind you're only getting one side. And if Jack ever felt "trapped"...he was certainly able to leave. And just perhaps...if you get him to be honest with you...you would have heard all the things that caused our relationship to be what it is. The many times he lied (and admits he does, admits he just does it, admits he acts fake around everyone depending on who he is with, times he wasn't there for BIG issues, times he took and took and gave NOTHING back.) So to make it seem as though Jack is the victim is VERY unfair to people he has wronged. You have no idea the number of times he had brought tears to MANY by his actions.
I know it's been awhile since we've talked, and I feel bad making this post on your birthday, but since it's out there... I need to come clean about me and Jodie. Our relationship has been hurting for months because of me being a lousy boyfriend. I've been depressed, among other things, and constantly used that as an excuse to do nothing to make things better or go out of my way to change the fact that I've often been selfish and uncaring. She fought with me (and with good reason) over things I did wrong, or things she'd asked me to do that I never followed through on my promises, or how I was not someone she could count on or look up to, or how I always have excuses for everything to avoid accountability for anything etc. etc. and all I'd see was the fights. Instead of changing myself and showing her the effort of making things better, I came to accept and expect that we'd always be fighting, and I started to care less, which was the exact opposite of what she needed. So yes, she's right--to make me appear like the victim there would be unfair. She's been trying to show me that I need to get off my high horse expecting the world to fall into my lap.. she tried to get me to talk to my friends and my family ..she tried to get me to want to be a better person (where I really do need help) and it only made me distance myself further from her and everyone else. I guess, having never lived with anyone in a relationship like this, neither I nor anyone I was around now and then saw how constantly self-centered and thoughtless I can be most of the time. I mean seriously... I consider you one of my closest and dearest friends and I love you dearly ...and yet had Jodie not mentioned your post to me today, I'd have never known it was your birthday =(
In other news, I know what you mean about job satisfaction. I was really lucky to get a first real job that ended up paying pretty well and being something I enjoy doing. There are times I've thought about quitting to go work at something new and exciting a startup or try to really make something of my own business, but there's just something to be said for feeling comfortable and liking the people you work with. Even when I am frustrated with my job (like the past two months, which have been crazy and involved a bunch of really late nights and added stress at home) I know that it's not always like that, and that I don't hate any of my co-workers while I've heard so many people talking about their lousy work environments/office politics, sexist managers, etc. I ask myself whether I'd be happy as a manager if I never got to create anything myself, or whether being a programmer day in and day out will make me tired of something I like. Would you still get to use your skills and creative talents if you kept taking positions with more control there?
Happy Birthday! That makes you 18 (with 8 years experience!) ;-) Did you do anything fun?
Sounds like you have a lot of tough questions to answer -- good luck! As for job satisfaction, I totally agree (that it's important). Heck, I stayed with my first (real) job out of college for 3 years with no pay raise just because I liked it.
Oh, and you can count me too for that out of love thing if you want. It is strange though; a bunch of people I know had the same fate.
Heh, just got one of those Drexel update mails and I saw a picture of one of the fashion designs (helecopter inspired collection) that reminded me of yours.