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I'm a winner! I typed over the 50,000 word limit tonight and officially logged it into the Nanowrimo website. I didn't think I could do it tonight, I had to get down something close to 3000 words to do it tonight, but I wanted to do it. I was so close, and so I sat down and I worked at it and when I looked up, there were the numbers.
I really like my story so far. I think it has some really great parts and I think it needs work in a lot of areas. I actually can't wait to print it out and get into the nitty gritty with it a little bit. Sometimes along the way I felt a little lost not really being able to devote the time to planning and orgazining and editing the story the way I wanted to. How could I go and write the next scene when I didn't know where the story was going? But I would just go and write something and see how it fit in with everything else. I learned some interesting things about the characters involved and I learned some stuff about me too.
So, the word count has been logged and I am officially a winner! Now to make the story a winner too. As I have been cautioned against posting my story on the internet, if you want to read any of it, email me (you'll have to think of some way to get that through the spam filters!) and I can email you a copy. Disclaimer: The story as it stands right now is a non-linear mess. But if you are interested in raw somewhat connected scenes, your feedback is heartily accepted! Thanks for your support!
Brian wanted to do NaNoWriMo this year so he emailed everyone in his address book to do it. No one really seemed to be taking him up on the offer and he needs support when he does these huge crazy things so a few days before the writing madness was to begin, I signed on. Brian and I hashed out some rough ideas about what I could write about and you all made some suggestions as well. So it is half way through the month. I feel I am doing well. This may be a false sense of confidence, but I am generally happy with where my novel and I are. I really enjoy reading the excerpts posted on the NaNo web site, but they take forever to load and there are just small pieces. So in a bold move that I may regret later, I am posting my novel as it stands to my web site. For everyone to read. it is big, ugly and really unformatted, and I apologize for that ahead of time. I call it erotica, but maybe it isn't really, as the number of sexy scenes to other scenes is rather low. But editing and formatting will come next month, after all the words are out, or at least the largest chunk of them. And now, without further ado, Arcing.
Edit: I was informed by the Regional Leader for the Lehigh Vallet Regional Nanowrimos that a document posted on the internet is considered "published" and book publishers will probably no longer be interested in the content. Not that I think my novel is anything that serious, I do not want to ruin its possibilities and so it has been removed from the internet. If you want to read an excerpt or the whole messy thing, I guess you'll just have to email me or leave a comment. sorry!
Usually when I think these thoughts or feel these feelings, I write them off as staying up too late at night, or any of a hundred other excuses. My therapist says that I bottle things up too much, and then it all comes out at once in really ugly spurts. (yeah, you've all witnessed that) so instead I told myself that my feelings were honest, that it's ok to feel them and that they are worthy of being logged. So I am writing them here. Is it more appropriate to put them down in a private journal all my own, in my own handwriting? Probably. But typing is faster and I am already sitting here at the computer. It's a late night for me. I do not know why, but I stay up later at night when B isn't home. And I watch Crime shows like CSI and SVU. Like that brings me any comfort all alone in the house. I think that B's job is great, and that it has done wonders for him. I in no way want to misconstrue that information. He is so happy and active and just doing things, It's great to see him this way after so many bad days at Macy's or Mass MoCA or whatever. I work my job, I have to get up too early in the morning and commute further than I'd like. The deal is we get a great deal on rent. I work over 8 hours at a day that frustrates me on various levels to different degrees most days. And I know that I have been endlessly annoyed with any person who bitched like that about a job because the only person who can change it, is you. And so I don't get to bitch because I am the one who continues to stay in that job. I acknowledge that I am making sacrifices for this job and that I do not know what other job I want or can get that will change things. I'm working on it. Primary concern number one is that I am at least 10 years younger than most people O work with. Which means that on any given day the only way I can connect to them is through the experiences of their kids. Yeah, umm, not exactly how I want to be going through my days reliving high school graduation and freshman year of college. I want to be an adult and all, but I also don't want to talk politics or car care. I want to talk about music and movies and I don't want a barrage of anti marriage never have kids speeches. I don't like being "the kid" all the time. So working with other people my age would be a Godsend. Which comes to primary concern number two, as I do not really connect with any of the people at work, we do not socialize. As we have also moved to the suburbs, there isn't really much of a neighborhood social scene, what with the 40 something parents and their barely teenaged kids. I always hear how great the suburbs are for raising families, but what about when you don't have one? Some days I am so heart sick that B and Dan get to work everyday in the city with all these theatres and art people. I have to work so hard if I want to just catch a show after work. So most nights I am home, B is working. I make a "gourmet" dinner for two and eat it in front of the tv to distract me from the actual eating part (at least the nausea has passed. It used to be that I couldn't eat alone). I guess I could call people, but my numbers are limited. And although my knitting grows by inches every evening, I feel more and more distant from the whole world and I long to debate the visual merits of whatever movies are hot right now or catch a show at the Khyber not all alone. B gets me comps to all the shows at the theatre, but I have no one to talk about the show with, which almost makes it feel like it didn't happen. I get worried at times like these, these feelings of being small and insignificant. I worry they might be the feather edges of depression, and yet I do not know how to stop them. How do you make friends in situations like these? I tried joining a knitting group (the host never posts an address and no one ever RSVPs so I don't know if they even actually meet) and I tried signing up for a continuing education class in life drawing only to not have it roster. It's like those things weren't meant to be, but if so, what was or what is? I guess I just have to trust that my schedule is open for a reason, I just don't know what that reason is. I guess in a few days I won't ahve much time to care, it will be bash out the words every day of November.
So it finally clicked for me - all the comments about NaNoWriMo and Brian's suggestions, I couldn't make them gel and then I got the through line and now I am really really excited about the whole thing! I know that it is going to be very very hard to pound it all out, but at least I know what I am going to write about! Yes it is erotic fiction. In the end I hope it will read like a novel with some sex in it, not the other way around, but that will be the hard part. I going to to try to force myself to just get to the page and to write it all down and to just insert brackets and words to remind me of what I want to say rather than sit and struggle with sections. Yay! Now I am looking forward to starting!
I would post my idea, but I am not sure you would all appreciate that. Do you want to know or wait for the rough product at the end of the month?
it's been a while since I posted. I sort of got reamed out for my last entry, maybe it made me a little gun shy. and maybe things just got a little extra busy and crazy around here. all around, relationships were falling apart while mine only got stronger and stronger. For us, it's been great around here. Work is work and I am still learning and growing in many ways and challenges are still being thrust upon me. Brian is working through his new position and so far it seems to be assisting with our post scheduling problems so that makes us happy too. Currently we are dog sitting for my parents who are galavanting in Austrailia. This does NOT make us happy, but we are getting by.
Brian is gathering the troops for NaNoWriMo. I didn't want to do it, but I feel he will need lots of support so I told him I'd do it too. At least he knows what he wants to write about, everytime I think about it my mind goes blank, which doesn't seem a good sign. I see myself as so much more of a short story writer. maybe I should just force myself to write 30 short stories, one for each day instead of trying to string out a whole novel. I guess that would count. anyone reading this have any good ideas I might have tossed out at one point that might make a novel? I'm open to suggestions.
Today I turn 26. Technically I was born at 7:30PM so I never really feel like it's official until after then, maybe that is weird. I haven't posted in a while and a lot and a little seem to have happened.
Brian started work again, so we have started the scheduling game. He gets his schedule one week ahead, on a good week and then this week he got called in on a day he was scheduled off. I'm a schedule kind of girl and I don't like when I can't count on the schedule being accurate. But we are working on it.
My sister moved to her new apartment, which is very cute, has a better floor plan and really interesting linoleum in the kithchen/bathroom. I should take pictures, it's rather intense. Esp. since the rest of the apartment is a traditional creamy box. Mom and Dad had to be away that weekend and Brian, no surprise, had to work so Amanda and I pretty much did the move ourselves with some help from her boyfriend and a few other friends that stopped by. Overall it was 3 hours one night and 3 hours the next day. Pretty good move in my book. It felt good to be in charge and capable of doing it ourselves.
Not that I have checked but there must be some sort of relationship planet or star or something in retrograde because suddenly many of my friends are out of love and I don't know how to be the most helpful to any of them. The Best Man Dan has come to stay with us for a bit to put some distance between him and the painful parts of Philly. I am not sure what is happening with Jac and Jody, but it wasn't pretty. I stand by Jac as a true friend and I'll be here if he needs me and maybe someday we can all help him out so he doesn't get trapped again. Amanda and her boyfriend are ok, but he better not hit McDonald's again without asking the rest of us first!
My job has ramped up. Some new people are coming in, some old people are leaving and there is a bit of jostling around within. My boss is trying to change a lot of things that are my responsibility, to pass them off on someone else to free me up to do more. She is delegating me new things that play to my strengths, and still trying to fill in the gaps in my training. And this is all fine and good except that it's not all that terribly exciting to me. There are pieces of the job that I enjoy and that really thrill and excite me, but overall, things seem to fall flat and there are a lot of bad things that worry me - stereotyping in the uppper ranks, inconsistent planning and follow through, crazy people in charge. The money and the benefits are so tempting, but so is Philadelphia. Brian and I might have fewer scheduling issues if we didn't work in opposite directions. Or is it just the real world bearing down on me? I've never had a job for more than a year and here it is almost two years! And I feel I have made a definite impact. But there is something missing. I don't know if I want more power (say in charge of a costume shop) or less (jsut sewing for other people doing what I am told, at least for a bit).
Plus, there are a lot of other pressures - my life is changing, and so is Brian's and we are starting to wonder, at what point do we have to stop and start planning for the children we want? At what point does the money my current job is offering become more important than my job satisfaction? When do we stop talking about moving somewhere else because we happen to live in a great school district? And when do we take a good hard look at our current living situation and ask, is this really working and will it work with 2 more people in here? And maybe the real problem is that my boss is the same age as my parents which means she is of the same generation where money is more important than job satisfaction and I am getting all this pressure from that generation. What are other generations doing? See, I think job satisfaction is so very important - it takes up so much of your time and how can you be a good person/parent if the thing that takes up all your time is something you are doing just so someone else can have the things that they want. In couple's therapy, that sort of relationship would never fly, why is it different for a parent/child relationship. I should NEVER EVER resent my children, esp. for something that is not their fault. Please those of another generation, what are your thoughts on this quandry?
A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
Sales Associate Joann Fabrics
Production Assistant A Wish Come True
Intern William Ivey Long Costume Studio
Stitcher (several theatres)
B) Four movies you would watch over and over:
The Princess Bride
Indiana Jones (all of them!)
C) Four places you have lived:
North Adams, MA
D) Four TV television shows I like to watch
When I actually have cable etc. I will watch:
CSI: Las Vegas
Dark Angel (Brian says they are doing re-runs on the Sci-Fi station so this counts even though I really just watch them on DVD)
Law & Order
E ) Four places you have been on vacation:
San Fransisco, CA
Stone Harbor, NJ
F) Websites you visit daily
bloglines (come on it's such a great idea!)
I assume Yahoosports will soon be making a daily appearance
ok myspace.com (but only because I emailed some bands and I am waiting to hear back from them!)
G) Four of my favorite foods:
orange dust products (cheetos etc.)
H) Four places I would rather be right now:
I) Four friends I think will respond:
No One, my list is tapped out!
On wednesday evening Brian and I met at Fyre body arts in Perkasise, PA (only a few miles from our house) to meet with this amazing artist named Karel. I had scheduled an appointment with him almost a month in advance to have him design and apply a memory tatto for my grandmother, brian's grandfather and sort of representing all of the changes that happened in the past year. (Primarily our wedding - the ending of our single lives and the rebirth of our lives as a couple, new jobs, new places, new experiences.) I looked up some symbols for the things I wanted to represent and brought them to Karel who got really excited and spent quite a bit of time sketching and researching before coming back with sketches for me. The drawing evolved a little over time, but the end result was a lovely happy sea turtle representing mother earth and wisdom, the ability to provide for others with water surrounding her (a symbol of generosity) and a phoenix representing rebirth (the legend of the phoenix that this bird has many mythical powers but will also die by bursting into flames and then be reborn again from the ashes). There is also a pair of spectral hands reaching down from the clouds representing my grandmother reaching down from heaven in this enternal cycle of give and recieve and revive. Knowing that detail is very important and due to the personal nature of the piece, I told the artist that it could be as large as it needed to be for the detail he wanted to achieve. (In retrospect, Karel designs full asian back pieces, might have wanted to consider that fact before making no size restraints!) Wednesday Karel finished the sketch and applied the stencil to my back. Perhaps back is a misnomer, the tattoo covers my entire left butt cheek all the way up my back, grazing my shoulder blade and just crossing my back bone (now THAT was an interesting feeling!). I was a little surprised by the scale, but I felt (and do feel) very strongly about the imagery that I decided to go ahead with it. We only did line work for the first session, which took about three hours (or half a season of the family guy and all of Hellboy). Karel still needs to line in the pattern on the turtle's shell and add in the hands, plus color. Brian anticipates another 6 hours which we may or may not do all at once. The evening was an interesting set of positions and I didn't get to wear a lot. Below are some quick shots Brian took the morning after. I am still in the healing phase and generally feel like some one just punched my ribs a few hundred times, but the imagery is GORGEOUS and the detail so perfect. I love it so much. And I love that I can carry these amazing good symbols with me all the time to remind me to give back and to share just like others have around us.
hatetank1414 posted and shared his answers with me so I now post here:
1. Reply with your name and I will write something random about you.